


Do I Love Him Too?

by Missbookworm123



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: F/M, Pam POV, What Pam was Feeling, season two finale fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:20:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25621258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missbookworm123/pseuds/Missbookworm123
Summary: What was going through Pam's mind during Casino night after Jim tells her that he loves her and before the kiss?Alternately, we see into the mind of Pam Beesly and see what's going on in that crazy cute head of hers.
Relationships: Pam Beesly/Jim Halpert
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	1. Casino Night

**Author's Note:**

> So I have been listening to the Spotify original podcast "An Oral History of The Office" and on this past Tuesday's episode they talked about filming and shooting this and Jenna and John both talked about what they were thinking during this scene and I couldn't help but think about what was going through Pam's head when all of this goes down. Especially during the kiss because we really only get Jim's reaction.
> 
> Let me know what y'all think with a comment down below and come find me on Instagram (nichter_alex) if you wanna chat about the office!

He loves me. Jim, my best friend in the office, the only true friend I have, loves me...What am I supposed to do with that information?

I can hear the soft crunch of gravel under Jim’s shoes as he walks away from me. I just destroyed our friendship. Was this my fault? Did I send him signals that told him I had the same feelings that he does?  _ Do I have the same feelings as him? _

Tears roll down my cheeks as I walk into the building and take the elevator up to Dunder Mifflin. I need time to myself to digest everything that happened, I need to call my mom. She has always been the one who understood me the best and always knew how to talk me through complicated situations.

I go to Jim’s desk without even giving it a second thought and start to dial my parent’s home phone number. It rings a few times and I wonder whether or not sharing this with my mom was a good idea. As soon as the thought popped into my head it immediately left, my mom loves Jim even more than she loves Roy and that’s saying something.

I grew up with Roy and we have been dating since our sophomore year of high school, he has been ingrained into my family and my life for years and when he asked me to marry him I said yes. I felt like I had to, like there was an obligation there. But even with that being the case the moment that my mom met Jim she said that she liked him and that we would make her the cutest grandkids.

She told me that I seemed happy when I was around him and thinking back I know it was because I am my truest self when I am around Jim. He brings out that inner child inside of me and we just have fun. 

I wish for a moment that when Roy proposed to me I would have been able to see the future, see what was really in store for me and who I was to meet. If I would have known that years down the line I would meet the man of my dreams I would have said no in a heartbeat and moved on. But life isn’t that easy life likes to shit on you a lot of the time and laugh when it sees you suffer.

“Hello?” I hear my mom ask and I hear my dad watching Jeopardy in the background, maybe this wasn’t my smartest decision tonight.

“Hey mom, do you have a minute? Something happened and I need to talk to someone about it.”

“Yeah honey, of course, is everything okay? Are you and Roy okay?” My mom asks with a worried lilt to her voice,  _ are _ me and Roy okay? I feel like after tonight nothing will ever be the same. I have feelings that I can’t even begin to describe for Jim, that I have never had for Roy, it took Jim admitting his feelings to make me see that I might feel the same about him.

“Physically yes we are okay mom...Jim told me that he loved me tonight.” I come out with it not being able to hold it in any longer.

“What?! When?” 

“About 10 minutes ago,” I say trying not to bite my nails out of nerves that were shot to shit at this point.

“Did you say it back?” Is she crazy?! I mean...do I really love him?

“No, I didn’t know what to say!” That wasn’t a complete lie, the thought crossed my mind to say it back but then I remembered Roy and the fact that I was planning on marrying him. He was the man that I needed to be in love with not gorgeous and goofy _Jim_ _freaking Halpert._

“I mean you have to think about Roy in this scenario and what this will do to him.” My mom always the voice of reason even when I least want her to be. Even when I know she is secretly wishing that I marry Jim and not Roy.

“Yes, I know.”

“Do you think that you  _ could  _ possibly feel the same way for Jim?”

“Um...I don’t know mom he’s my best friend.” I bite my lip thinking about all of the pranks we have pulled on Dwight and how lately he is the only one that can make me truly laugh and smile.

“You do seem happy when you’re around him.” My mom observed and I thought about all of my time with Jim and how I have felt lighter and smiled to myself.

“Yeah, he’s great.”

“So I think it comes down to are you in love with him too, honey?” My mom asked me as I was leaning back onto Jim’s desk remembering all the moments I have stood here and talked with him and all of the moments that I laughed with him. I think about why I have held off marrying Roy this long and I think that it’s because of Jim. I think I have been in love with him from the first moment I walked him to his desk on his first day. The moment I saw that goofy and dorky smile of his that he gets when he is getting himself into all kinds of trouble that any sane adult would be trying to avoid.

“Yeah, I think I am,” I say starting to cry knowing that I just shot him down and maybe ruined my only chance at ever having happiness with him. But he’s my best friend, how am I supposed to risk that? What if it doesn’t work out between us? Then we are left to deal with the consequences, but deep down I know that we would make it. I hope at least.

I hear the door to the office open and see Jim walking towards me and wonder how he knew that I was up here. I watch him slow his stride down as he sees me and I just stare at him trying to hold in my emotions.

“Um, I have to go,” I tell my mom having a feeling in my gut that Jim was about to do something even riskier than he already has.

“Okay Pammy, promise me to give this a shot and be happy.” She says to me and I can hear the hope in her voice. No matter how much she says that she likes Roy I know deep down that she likes Jim a hell of a lot more.

“I will,” I promise and hang up, hoping I didn’t just lie to my mom. I turn back to Jim and I feel my stomach drop at the thought of following my mom’s advice and telling him how I feel.

“Listen, Jim-” I start but he grabs my waist and kisses me before he gives me the chance to say anything else. I stand there for a moment in shock and let my hands rest on his biceps debating on pushing him away but this kiss is intoxicating. I can’t seem to be able to pull away from him, instead when he pauses for a second I grab his face and deepen the kiss. I know that I shouldn’t be doing this, that everything about this is wrong but it feels so right and I could hardly give a shit about anything else but Jim and this mind-numbing kiss.

I lean into him and everything that this kiss could represent and then I feel my engagement ring move on my hand and it sucks me back into reality. That just earlier today I was picking out  _ bands to play at my wedding, _ a wedding to a different man, that was the exact reason I shouldn’t be doing this. 

I pull away to look up at him and end up getting caught in his eyes, I can’t look away. The adoration and love and respect and kindness that I see staring back at me are so terrifying that I nearly cry from just one look.

Jim is the first to look away and I look down and to the side letting a tear fall down my face knowing that after that kiss, there was no way I could marry Roy. Not after I feel like my world was just torn apart from one kiss with this amazing and handsome man. What was I supposed to do now?

I do the only thing I think of to do, kiss him again. I reach up onto my toes and bring his head back down to mine. I let myself have this moment where nothing besides the two of us exist outside of this bullpen, it’s just us. Jim kisses me back but not for long before pulling away, I get a horrible feeling that maybe he thinks that it was a mistake. How could he think that? 

Did he not feel what I felt? 

Did he think he was going to feel a certain way and then he kissed me and realized that I wasn’t all that I’m cracked up to be?

Why is it the moment I realize what I want, something comes in and swoops down to steal it away?

Why can’t I be happy too?

Jim looks down at me and then backs away before walking out of the office. I stand there for a few moments and stare at the space that he just occupied, that happened, didn’t it? I wasn’t imagining things when he kissed me right?

Before I comprehend my body’s response it falls into Jim’s chair and tears start streaming down my face. I look at the pictures that he has strewed on his desk, I had never really looked at them before, always too focused on him to notice what was on his desk.

I see a picture of what must be him and his immediate family on Christmas morning, they were all in matching pj’s and I couldn’t help but laugh at how adorable Jim looked in them. I reach forward and touch Jim in the picture and just know. I know that I love him and there was no denying it, that kiss was something that I couldn’t deny and something I don’t think I want to.

“Alright Beesley, you can do this. Just walk out of this office and get into your car and go home and tell Roy everything.” I get up and walk out of the office doing just that, I face my fear head-on hoping that in the end I actually get to have what I want for once.

  
  
  
  



	2. Moving Up and Moving Out

I sat in my car for what felt like a few hours but turned out to only be a few minutes. I stared at the front door willing myself to get out of the car and waltz right in there and tell Roy that we were over. However, I knew that it wasn’t that easy or that simple. He would want an explanation and he would deserve one as well considering we have been together nearly ten years now.

But how do I explain this without hurting him in the process? How do I tell him that I am in love with Jim when I have told him countless times over the years that I have known Jim that we are just friends?

Roy hasn’t been the best of partners either, he has cheated on me and manipulated me more times than I can count and almost hit me a few times as well. He stopped himself before anything ever happened but I will never forget that fear that I felt in the moments wondering how my life got to the point that it did.

Even with all that, I feel like I owe it to him to explain what is going on through my head, but at the same time, I know that if I do he’ll just convince me to stay like he always seems to. This time though I won’t let him convince me to stay, I need to leave. I needed to at least try to be happy because if I didn’t then what was the point?

What was the point of Jim coming into my life and us finding each other if we never got to be together? Maybe there wasn’t a point. Maybe this is what the universe wants so that I can fall on my ass and it can laugh as I try to get back up. 

Who the hell cares? If I fail then at least I can say that I gave this a shot, but first, I need to get out of this godforsaken car.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes picturing how I want the moment to go knowing that it won’t be that easy. He is going to try and fight for me no matter how much I tell him that it’s not him that I want. 

I release the breath I didn’t know that I was holding and get out of the car walking up to the door and inserting the key into the lock. I walk inside to see him sitting in his easy boy recliner watching some football game and it suddenly hits me. When I leave I will only have a few boxes to take, none of this was mine.

We may have bought this house together and both of our names were on the mortgage but he picked out all the furniture and had a say in everything. I realized that no one would even know a woman lived here because this entire house was filled with his things. When did I let myself go so much that I let myself be completely taken over by a guy who I was way too good for?

“Hey sweetheart you’re home early, you lose all of your money?” Roy asks not even looking up from whatever game he was watching. It’s suddenly like the glass ceiling finally shattered and the entire illusion that I had built up around this relationship was suddenly shattered. I stand here not being able to believe that I put up with this or with him for a whole decade.

I’m so fed up that I just blurt out, “I’m done, I can’t.”

“You can’t what Pammy?” He asks again without even looking at me. He doesn’t see the way that my face scrunches at that pet name he came up with back in high school that I used to love but the sound of it now makes me flinch.

“I can’t do this anymore Roy, I can’t be with you anymore,” I say more matter of factly knowing that I am about to get into the fight of my life. He finally turns away from the game and just stares at me.

“No, you don’t mean that. That’s not funny.” He says and I know that he can tell that I am being completely serious.

I take a deep breath hoping that he will let me walk out of here easily with just a suitcase full of clothes. “I think we both know that I am being completely serious right now Roy.”

“Is this because of Halpert? Is he making you do this?” He asks getting up out of his chair and takes the few steps towards me.

I look at him offended that he thinks that I am incapable of making my own damn decisions and that for some insane reason he thinks I need a man to do anything in my life.

“What the hell does it matter? I can’t do this any more simple as that, I want out. I’m calling off the wedding.” I say taking off the ring and throwing it at him quickly moving around him

“Is it so hard to believe that I can make my own decisions? Why do you think for some reason that Jim has anything to do with this? We haven’t happy for a while now Roy, we both know that.” I say moving my way through the ranch-style house and into the bedroom grabbing one of my duffel bags and quickly packing as many clothes as I can grab.

“Why do I...Pam, it’s obvious that the man has feelings for you, I just don’t want to see you walk away from us because of that prick Halpert.” He says following me into our room and he watches start to frantically pack a bag. 

I run into the bathroom and grab all of the essential toiletries that I need before I have to come back for the rest of my stuff. I shake my head listening to him put this all on Jim as if he didn’t listen to anything I said about not being happy with him anymore.

“Did you not listen to anything I said? I’m not happy here anymore, somehow I have let myself become hidden behind you and I won’t stand for it anymore. We are constantly doing what you want and hanging out with your friends and your family,  _ what about me Roy? When is it my turn? _ ” I’m screaming by the end as tears run down my face wondering why I ever waited so long to do any of this, it feels amazing to finally get all of this off of my chest.

“Hidden behind me? What are you talking about? You sound delusional right now Pam-”

“That! That right there is what I am talking about, you sitting here and undermining me because I don’t even know why. Does it make you feel like less of a man somehow because I am pointing out all of the things that you can’t seem to get right?-” I am abruptly shut up by a sting to my cheek and a loud clapping noise. 

I stand here in silence for a few moments trying to comprehend what just happened, did he just hit me? Did he just do that? I raise my hand to my burning cheek and tears start to roll down my face, whether from the slap or every emotion running through my mind I don’t know. Somehow I let myself become one of those women that let a man run her life and push her around, the only difference between them and me was I wasn’t going to let anything stand in my way of leaving. Not even him.

I look up at him and see a horrified expression on his face as if he was seeing himself in a different light somehow after what he just did. I knew that this was my opportunity, I picked up my bag, zipping it one the way out and left. I walked right out the door and to my car knowing that there was no way in hell that I was ever going to stoop so low as to go crawling back to him. Even if it meant finally being on my own for once and having to learn how to like my own company.

I drive without even thinking and before I know it I am sitting in front of a house wondering how I am ever going to get the courage to get out of the car and walk up to the door. Even after everything that happened tonight, I know that he would let me crash here, no matter how awkward the ride into work tomorrow would be.

I take a deep breath and shut off the engine and get out of the car in the cool spring Pennsylvania air and grab the duffel bag out of the passenger seat. I walk up to the door and knock lightly shoving my hands into the pockets of my jacket hoping I don’t look desperate or battered.

I can still feel the sting on my cheek and I know that it’s going to leave a red mark, maybe even a bruise. I can’t even seem to care what anyone was going to think when they looked at me tomorrow with a bruise on my face. He opens the door and I can’t help but force out a smile for the sake of appearances.

Suddenly this all seems incredibly stupid, was this really the smartest choice? Maybe not but I can’t think of anywhere else that I would want to be, anywhere that I would feel safer than with him.

“Beesley? What’s going on? What are doing here?” Jim asks and I finally get a good look at him, he was obviously in the middle of getting ready for bed based on his appearance.

“Can I come in?” I ask knowing that with one gentle push of that door he could make this night go from bad, to terrible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright JAM fans only person told me that they wanted me to continue this but that was motivation enough for me to do this so HERE I AM! 
> 
> Honestly, I have no idea where this story is going and I am writing as I go along so bear with me. I don’t have a beta so all my mistakes are just that, my mistakes so please forgive me. I don’t have a schedule or anything prewritten so we will all be one this ride together!
> 
> Let me know what you thought about the chapter with a comment down below! Honestly if you don’t want this fic to be abandoned please comment because I may be partially writing this for my own sake but it’s no fun if I no one actually wants me to write it and continue it. So let me know!


	3. The Confession

_ I can still feel the sting on my cheek and I know that it’s going to leave a red mark, maybe even a bruise. I can’t even seem to care what anyone was going to think when they looked at me tomorrow with a bruise on my face. He opens the door and I can’t help but force out a smile for the sake of appearances. _

_ Suddenly this all seems incredibly stupid, was this really the smartest choice? Maybe not but I can’t think of anywhere else that I would want to be, anywhere that I would feel safer than with him. _

_ “Beesley? What’s going on? What are doing here?” Jim asks and I finally get a good look at him, he was obviously in the middle of getting ready for bed based on his appearance. _

_ “Can I come in?” I ask knowing that with one gentle push of that door he could make this night go from bad, to terrible. _

We both stood there for what felt like forever just staring at one another but was only a few seconds before Jim silently opened the door so that I could walk through the door. Only then did he notice the bag that I was carrying and the now forming bruise on my cheek.

“Pam, what’s going on? What happened to your cheek? And why do you have a bag?” Jim asked and I looked down at the bag and set it down staring at it for a few moments trying to build the courage to tell him everything that was going through my head.

“I um...I left Roy tonight. We exchanged some harsh words and he uhh...he slapped me. That was after I told him that I couldn’t be with him anymore, we got into a huge argument and things got ugly and heated.” I stated matter of factly.

I watch Jim’s face go from concerned to angry, to furious in a matter of a few seconds. I have never seen Jim angry over anything before and it makes me a bit uneasy. However, knowing that he is furious on my behalf makes it a tiny bit easier to comprehend Jim ever being angry or mad. I know that I have to say something to calm him down before he runs out the door to go kick Roy’s ass for hitting me.

“He didn’t mean too, I could tell that he was just as shocked as I was when it happened,-” I started.

“Are you  _ defending him? _ Pam, Roy’s a big guy. You’re incredibly lucky that he didn’t break your cheekbone.” Jim yelled and I know that what I said just made things even worse but at least he wasn’t moving towards the door and trying to leave.

“No Jim I am not defending him. He shouldn’t have hit me, I know that. I’m just saying that I know he regrets it and that it hasn’t ever happened before now.”

“Is that why you left? Because he hit you?” Jim asked me and I could read the hidden question underneath what he was asking.  _ Or did you leave because of me and what I said? _

“No. I think you and I both know why I left tonight.” I say leaving it open for him to interpret, but knowing Jim I know that he will make me say it. Say why I left and even though he already told me that he loved me I’m nervous.

He stood there looking at me as if he was falling in love with me all over again and I just felt myself melt. It was like the last few years of our friendship flashed before my eyes, all I could see was Jim and me and I knew that I have always loved him too. I just never had the guts to admit it to myself.

I could tell that he was waiting for me to elaborate so I took a deep breath and looked deep into his eyes. I always felt safe whenever I looked into his eyes and this time was no different.

“After what you told me earlier it was like you broke the glass ceiling on everything. I was never willing to admit to myself that there was something between us because I didn’t want to be unfaithful to Roy. There was a history between us and I felt an obligation to see how things played out with him. I realized tonight that I have wanted you to save me from that dead-end relationship and swoop me off of my feet. But I also realized that I had to save myself, that I had to be the one to break things off with Roy. 

“I guess what I am trying to say is that I love you too, I think I have loved you from the day that I showed you to your desk when you first started working at Duder Mifflin,” I say with tears now streaming down my face, I am so wrapped up in the moment and what I was saying that I didn’t notice that Jim had started crying as well. 

I am about to start speaking but Jim takes the one step forward that separates us and kisses me. I didn’t ever think that a kiss could beat our first kiss earlier but this one does. It melts me into a puddle and I can’t help but smile into the kiss as I reach up and thread my fingers through his hair. 

It’s not like any other kiss that I have had before, this one feels different. This feels like the start of something.

We both pull away from the kiss at the same time and smile at each other with this glint in our eyes like we are two giddy teenagers who just got away with something mischievous and amazing.

“Pinch me so I know that this isn’t a dream,” Jim says and without even thinking I bite my lip and pinch him as hard as I can on his bicep and he winces and pulls away looking at me like I was crazy. All I can do is laugh at the affronted look on his face.

“You didn’t have to pinch me so hard Beesly, geeze. I’m gonna have a bruise tomorrow.” He says running his hand on the spot where I had just pinched him making me giggle.

“Awww poor baby, want me to kiss it to make it better?” I ask with a pout on my face and I see a little spark in his eye and know that he was up to something.

“That’s it,” He says and bends down and throws me over his shoulder effectively picking me up and started carrying me towards his room. I shriek at the sudden movement but giggle when I realize where we are going.

I have never felt this giddy about or even with Roy ever, even when he proposed I never felt this happy before. As Jim is walking into his room I can tell that this is one of those moments in my life that I will remember forever as the night that changed everything. The night where I got out of my unhealthy relationship with a man I really didn’t love and let myself fall in love and be with a man that I am so in love with I can’t even put it to words.

I really do love him, I can finally admit that to myself now and you know what?

It feels amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it!!!
> 
> I will admit that I intended to go on and make it a full-on story but I just don't have it in me to do that. Also, I really wasn't getting much of a response and I wasn't feeling motivated enough to want to continue on with the storyline. 
> 
> I hope y'all enjoyed this fun little diddy as much as I did jumping in the world of the office for the first time!


End file.
